Everyday Bliss For Women In Leadership

Re-reading favorite books is one of my favorite ways to pass spare time during the holidays. In the last few weeks I have had the rare priviledge of waking up as late as I like in a literal Paradise (and trying hard to defeat my early-waking conditioned response), doing as I like and taking refreshing walks in the beautiful surrounds of the wild northern California coast. Seagulls and cormorants have been my companions as I come back from my walk, sit in this beautiful secret garden (well-bundled against the damp, in front of a roaring fire in the outdoor hearth) and dissolve into the deliciousness of an uninterrupted read. The roar of distant surf is tempered by high protective garden walls and amazingly, the tiniest of Anna’s and Violet-Crowned hummingbirds flock to the still-flowering scarlet sage and Crimson Beauty roses. Hojicha steams in its iron pot and Mme. Jervais’ homemade chevre-chive tartlettes lie warm in a basket on the flagstone hearth. Also to savor are the timeless written classics that consistently inspire and uplift.  For this holiday vacation I chose among others, my well-thumbed copy of Dr. Wayne Dyer’s The Power of Intention. As we gently roll down the back of 2004 into the New Year, Intention becomes ever more important to consider, to engage with, and to consider…

Now the changing of the year has no intrinsic significance other than what we give it. But as a culture, as a planet, we have imbued this time-passage with the great and awesome significance of new beginnings, rebirth, fresh starts and another chance to "get it right" in life (whatever the "it" is). This is a notion that is deeply implanted in the psyche of most of the world’s nations. Life coaches and therapists of all kinds write about perfecting your New Year’s Resolutions around this time of year. Here’s an article on New Year’s Resolutions I wrote for the Silicon Valley Coach Federation a couple of years ago. It was good advice then and still is. But I noticed that even in doing this "Life Solution Not Resolution" work, some of my clients and myself as well, still fizzled on our New Year’s goals a few months into the process. What was missing?

I found the quintessential missing element, Personal Intent, when I encountered Wayne Dyer’s Power of Intention. My Intent - and that of my clients who also "fizzled" their goal plans - was in the wrong place entirely! What most of us miss in goalsetting is the why - why are we pursuing this particular goal? Take for instance the ubiquitous "Lose 20 pounds by May" type resolution. What is the reason you want to lose the weight? Does the reason relate to wanting to look better, feel better, fit into the sexy red dress, live up to your mate’s expectations, to catch up to someone else you know….? If that reason doesn’t hook you deep down in your innards, all the resolving in the world won’t make it so. 

If you want to lose weight because you hate the way you look - forget it. Self-loathing is, albeit a strong emotion, an essentially shallow motivator. Ditto filling another’s expectations or desires of you. If your weightloss "why" is to look as good as someone else or to win a contest - might as well give up from the get-go. Such motivators do not match what Dyer refers to as "the intention of the mind of the Creator" which is the supreme motivator and "get it done" energy. These shallow reasons don’t fully engage your spirit, much less the power of your intention. It’s what Dyer refers to as "Match/No Match" situation in terms of how we talk to ourselves about our problems. A "match" reflects an intention that is resonant and originates with Spirit. A "no match" reflects interference thinking you’ve taken on from others or erroneous beliefs you’ve bought into which keep you from being in alignment with Spirit.

Here are a few other examples:

No-Match: "I’ll never get ahead. The (school, church, company, my boss or powers-that-be) always find ways to put me down and keep me from succeeding"

Coaching Tip: Watch for words in your self-talk that refer to others "power over" you. No one has any power over you that you don’t hand them on a silver platter. Take it back, it’s yours. And stop using others as the reason why you can’t/don’t/won’t ever be successful.

Match: "I intend to effortlessly attract success and good relationships in my current situation at (school, church, company, with my boss, the powers-that-be, etc.)"

No-Match: "If people don’t like me there’s nothing I can do about it, it’s just how I am and I can’t change" 

Coaching Tip: Notice words in your self-talk such as: can’t, won’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t - these are automatic No-Match qualifiers. Lose them.

Match: "I am a divine creation, capable of thinking and acting like my Creator. I intend and choose to fully step into the "intention of the mind of God/Spirit/Creator" and radiate loving kindness to all, starting with myself. I absolutely intend loving kindness to completely dissolve all barriers to change within me and replace all feelings of personal inadequacy."

Dyer suggests a more attractive strategy to barrier-based "no-match" thinking: looking at how you think and talk to yourself about your problems. First, catch yourself thinking about what’s missing in your life - the reason for your New Year’s Resolution. As you think about the missing elements in your life, shift your thoughts and self-language to that of intention, not "what’s missing" but "what I absolutely intend to attract and manifest in my life" (Power of Intention, p.63).

So instead of "I have a misshapen, clumsy, too-fat body", shift to: "I absolutely intend to attract a perfectly proportioned, graceful and healthy physical expression into my life". No waffling, no explaining. Just shift, gently but firmly to that "all-creating force". Be a sleuth on the lookout for the many times those negative thoughts go through your head and…shift. Dyer also suggests catching yourself in serving others’ expectations and simply asking yourself "Is this what I want?"

Additionally, remember that thoughts and beliefs that tie us to our past and "what has always been", keep us from going forward. If you have a significant and limiting life story, let go of it, and the need to tell it. I had an otherwise brilliant and gifted friend who’d had a life-changing nervous breakdown prior to our first meeting. The first thing he told me and everyone he met, was that he was crazy, due to his nervous breakdown. He felt it defined him and that everyone could instantly see there was something different about him, so "owned up" by telling his breakdown story immediately when first meeting someone new. Sadly, he could never see how this crippled him by keeping him "that loony fellow" in the eyes of others, and keeping him living in the limited past rather than in the infinite possibility of Now. He insisted on his "craziness" and came to feel he was rather more special and gifted because of it. He owned it and it owned him. He may well have been crazy (or not) but it had the result of making him hold himself aloof and apart from others, while all the time longing to be included. He was forever lamenting his separateness, while at the same time reinforcing it by clinging to his Story. Even after his need to tell the Story petered out, the mechanisms and definitions spoken of in the Story became deeply entrenched in his personal belief system. He became defined by these mechanisms and definitions to most people he knew, and their effects still crippled and haunted him decades later. Trapped in the fabric of his Story, this person’s originality, excitement, energy and hope dwindled more and more each year.

Similiarly, when I first broke my back, particularly after I came out of the three years of paralysis, I had a tremendous need to apologise for being slow, overweight and lacking in strength to all and sundry. I did this by telling the Story of how I broke my back to everyone I met, how very much I had suffered and was still suffering, and how very hard I was working on my recovery. I particularly liked dwelling on the suffering and hard work as I felt this somehow legitimized my other deficiencies. I felt greatly diminished by this entire experience and constantly felt called upon to justify my present condition to those who didn’t yet know about my history. To the casual observer I was just another fat, thirty-something housewife. Knowing others thought this (several were kind enough to share their observations) galled me beyond belief, for none of these descriptors in any way defined the True Me. I wasn’t being seen or validated for who I really was - the True Me was marginalized and rendered functionally invisible. My great need to be known with dignity, for the person I was and not the wrapper other people saw, drove me to tell my Story again and again, in graphic detail, in the vain attempt to justify my condition. And just as surely mired me ever deeper in the fabric of the Story, sapping my strength, mooting my efforts and not allowing me to continue my life.

Thank goodness for Rieneke Zessoules. She taught me the Balance Yoga which got me back on my feet, and said to me one day: "You know Maryam, you’re not just a broken back story walking around by itself. You talk as if that’s all you are, all that’s happened of importance in your life. That happened to you eight years ago. What happened to you yesterday? Today? As long as you stay in the past, that’s all you’ll have. You want a brighter future? Then start making one - today." l was all ready to rip off a biting retort, when the greater Truth in her words quite literally struck me dumb. I wandered off in a fog to sort this out over espresso at Cafe Borrone, with a lengthy Kepler’s chaser. . .

From that point onward, I began first thinking about a new Story, then dreaming of it, writing of it and trying every kind of magic I knew to make it real. Slowly, very slowly, that which I thought, wrote, dreamed of and magicked over came into being, and I had a new Story. This new Story was much brighter than my old one, but it was still a Story. When I had it fully in focus I saw it to be lacking in several areas and traded up for yet another Story. Then I began to see through the fabric of the Stories to realize that though they be spun of the most gossamer of threads, these threads still bound and fixed me to the limitations of my mortal imaginings. My life got pretty darned good through trading up Stories, but I came to the realization that Spirit had even greater aspirations for me than I could possibly ever imagine. And then came a long line of spiritual teachers, (including Dr. Dyer) who bade me let the Story go.

And though it was scary living without my past to fall back on, I began choosing more and more to live in the Now. Little pieces at first, then bigger ones. Fullness of consciousness takes time but is worth working on. Currently I’m working on knitting myself a new vertebral disk and new spinous and transverse processes for my shattered L5 vertebra. Just because I haven’t done it yet, doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t. Remember: "there is no failure, only feedback". So far I’ve found a couple thousand ways not to regrow bone and sinew. There’s probably an equal thousand ways to regrow bodily tissues, I just haven’t hit on one of the ones that works…yet. The research continues.

NLP buddy Erol Fox gave me a great new way of thinking about my back, what in NLP we call a reframe. Instead of a "broken back", it is a "lengthening and strengthening back". That feels good, feels like a Match to me. I think Creator wants us to be optimally healthy and happy, so choosing to validate this new reality is putting me more in line with the "intention of the mind of Spirit/Creator/God".

The only Resolution I will make this year is to stay in that Flow, to stay in a "match state" where my intent as closely as possible matches the Source. Because if I stay there, that pretty much takes care of all other requests I have or would like to make in the future. Staying in that field of infinite possibility, keeps us firmly in a "Match" state.

That is what I wish for us all in 2005, to stay in the Flow of Intent, immediately, Now, and Forever. What can YOU accomplish in the Flow of full Intent?

Love and Warmest of Blessings to you in the New Year, and Forever!  Maryam

Someone recently wrote me: Do you think you’re a sage? That’s pretty presumptuous, don’t you think?

Well happy Boxing Day! And no friend, I don’t think it’s at all presumptuous. All people are saints and sages to some degree - you and I included. To be fair, you said you had never actually read my blog. So to clarify, the title of this blog comes from the many and varied sources of Sage Wisdom that I draw upon as I share my thoughts here. Sometimes the source is myself, more often it is one of my many amazing teachers or the greatest teacher of all - life itself.

Does that answer your question?

Bright Blessings… Maryam, the Occasional Sage

I posted the following a year ago when I was going slightly potty with overwork. It’s as relevant today - with a few reworks. Give it a look - see yourself here?

It’s good to know what can give and when, and when you need to, to let those things go without regret or guilt. If you’re having problems doing this, consider using Energy Therapy to help relieve regret, guilt and other negative emotions you might feel. When things get overwhelming, cut down less essential processes and concentrate only on what you truly Need To Do to get past the overwhelm…

● You Never Stop Learning. As the year ends, we can look back and see all the unfinished business we have. Get over this and get on with your life. Now is a great time to learn the lessons of 2004 instead of taking them into the new year. No time like the present, before 2005 is upon you.

● Looking at all you didn’t get done during the year can lead to feelings of misery and inadequacy. You may begin to badger yourself to do more and berate yourself for "being a failure". NLP Master Robert Dilts, noting that we are "failure driven learning mechanisms" says he likes to plan for at least 3 "juicy mistakes" each day, to make sure he is continually learning. Reframe failure as a learning experience and commit to being a lifelong learner.

● Take responsibility for what you have and haven’t done and accept what is. Remember that what you Resist, Persists. By accepting people and situations as they are without needing to change them, you can move onward and upward.

Mini-Fix: Stuck with the turkeys and can’t get away? Grow your own wings (you only have to see them, feel them, and they are there). Fly above your present life circumstances, above the turkeys that drag you down. See yourself below, see where you live, all receding below you. Floating gently above helps you both obtain and maintain perspective.

● Many of us have hard times at the holidays with depression, difficult family members and overwhelm. You have a choice in how you wish to experience all of these things, difficult though they may be. Choose grace, ease and harmony in every moment. Choose to see the many miracles in your life, both the small and the large, each and every day. It may not be easy, and it may not work the first time you try it. Dogged persistence is everything in such work.

● Situations often arise during the holidays which might first appear to force you to compromise your values. Be especially Aware during the holidays and brook no compromise of the values you hold dear. Remember the wise words of Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can take advantage of you without your express permission"

Corollary: In order to enforce the boundaries you lay down, you must educate others about consequences, should they transgress those boundaries.

● Beware Remaining Asleep. Be Aware and choose to remain in Awareness. Remind yourself a dozen times a day to be Aware. A Post-It^(R) on your wallet, a note above your desk where you look constantly will help. So will the sage advice in Eckhart Tolle’s amazing book The Power of Now.

● Lastly, don’t give in to the temptation to be a Scrooge. Love everyone and every thing that comes to you in this time of the year in particular. S/he who loves lives naturally in the Present and in the midst of the Flow of all things. In this moment, this very moment of love, you are able to access all the answers you will ever need.

Much Love and Many Blessings…

White musk,

Rich marrow spilling…

Survival is assured.

I have formed a mild mania for White Truffle Oil. Well, to Il Fornaio’s Proscuitto, Arugula, Grana Padano parmesan and Porcini laden Pizza Cristina. This delightful concoction is liberally drizzled with White Truffle Oil that smells like roasted ox marrow - buttery, rich and sustaining. A hint of extreme luxury rich in beneficial nutrients that there is never enough of for the entire tribe to share - an honor to savor. I am certain white truffle oil must have medicinal properties. "It hath the power to cheer and mellow the disposition" to quote Mrs. Grieve. Hie thee to a grocery store and try some.

Tonight I made a happy but tired J-Bear the gift of a small quantity of white truffle oil infused roasted pecans. He had made me a gift of the oil after his earlier trip to the shops. Such decadence. ("Land sake!" Grandmother Mimi exclaims inside my head, deeply whiffing the bottle and wiping clean hands on her apron.)  Dr. Mercola preaches the values of mineral-rich Celtic sea salt as does Dr. Batman. I just happened to have some on hand that I use for cooking (it’s nice to know periodically that we’re doing something right, unawares). I ground sea salt in a mortar and sprinkled the pecans with it.  Foodies: Toss pecans thoroughly in walnut or almond oil with salt and broil on a cookie sheet at 250F for ten or fifteen minutes. Resist the temptation to use flavored salts - the pecans are richness enough on their own. Drizzle sparingly with white truffle oil and toss again. Eat, trying very hard to constrain portion size. Heavenly.

This collation was a really nice treat after a whole lot of unremitting toil that’s left us wanting Minor Indulgences. We felt most luxurious consuming those Roasted Pecans  - the only one of my Mother’s holiday delicacies it’s relatively safe for healthy people to eat. White truffle oil. Mmmm…

We have plans to lay in some arugula and prosciutto and make our own pizza dough, though Dr. Mercola does preach quite voiciferously against grains lately, and now, perilously, about the dangerous mycotoxins in my beloved truffles! Okay Doc, but I’m not ready yet. A few more artisan pizzas and sprouted flaxseed rolls. I’m going to work on getting rid of sensitivities to grains, though I will probably eventually cease eating them as my body purifies. But not quite yet!

I still want to have the odd luxury, having given up all the vices I thought I had and being rudely informed that there are others - many, many others that will need to go for perfect health. Well thanks a lot Doc, thanks a lot. I appreciate the advice, but jimminy crickets, what a bummer! I’m going to keep affirming all things healthy and positive in my life anyway - a great Practice at any time. And in the right time, these things too shall pass…

One by one, the pleasures of the past are replaced by greater knowledge, the awareness of decisions and opportunity of Choice. As I have made decisions to forego certain foods and beverages, I have also made decisions to exit certain environments and relationships for healthier ones. Wheat is largely gone in my life but for special treat moments such as the ever-yummy Pizza Cristina and Mom’s holiday pecans.  Spiritual communities that were rife with chaos and politics have been released for a smaller fellowship of rare but very special individuals who lift me up, consistently. I’ve chosen to eschew the corporate environment in favor of running my own consulting business which is a thousand times more rewarding both to me and to those I work with. In these small ways and others, I am turning my life into a life that makes more of a difference and helps both myself and everyone I can touch.

We all touch each and every person that even peripherally crosses our lives. Even a friend heard-of but never met is having impact and influence on you, and you upon them. Now that influence may be small, but you are connected by the thread of your mutual friend, so it still impacts. So it is throughout The Field. Think about it.

Morel of the Story: When in doubt as to what you can do to move forward and upward, look for what can shift, and in Joy, shift it. Food, people, environments, whatever, as long as you remain in Joy. The Joy is your filter and indicator flag that lets you know that you are moving towards the right thing. Whatever that may be for you. Trying to shift without engaging your passion and your love is like trying to move the Sphinx by yourself. Sure, it can be done but it’s going to take all your energy, and for what? Consider deeply the role of Joy in Moving the Universe…

My Dear Readers, Influenza takes so many days out of our usable total and can have serious and longterm consequences. Nearly everyone fears the flu and this year, many were unable to get the flu shot. As I’ve said before, that’s probably for the best. Here is an Alternative. Because this information needs to be in every family medicine chest, in every school, place of worship, workplace and mercantile, here it is for your Wellness this Winter and every year:

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Those who have lost loved ones may find the holidays a painful time. Energy therapies can help immeasurably in dealing with grief…but only in if used properly in my experience. If used improperly, EFT for example, could cause an unhealthy supression of emotions rather than the desired release. If you unwittingly have the wrong agenda in your tapping, you may not end up with the results you’re looking for but something quite different indeed…

An energy therapy colleague heard me say this and flew into an absolute fit to think I would possibly vend a "Caveat" on use of Energy Therapies when generally speaking, they are very safe to use. This person grilled me on this issue over several months, but nothing I attempted to share helped her to understand my reservations. This is typical of people who find themselves dogmatically positioned on a subject. They believe so much in the therapy or school of thought they espouse, that in their minds there should be no question about its superiority. But discerning researchers keep open minds and note inconsistencies and variances as well as the desired results.  I continue to keep an open mind on the Energy Therapies because they are not fully tested in every possible situation, and because in my experience, there is always a correct time, place and method best utilized. The conversation with my colleague brought sharply into focus the fact that this "right time & (head) space" subject has not been widely covered to the Energy Therapy community. I’m committed to bringing such research to you for our mutual learning, so here are my findings. . .

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